An Interview with Baby/Fetus B and C

Interviewer: How's it going? 

Baby B: It's a little cramped, I'm not going to lie. I don't know if you've every seen the movie "Fight Club", but there's a point in there when Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt) squishes from a window seat by Ed Norton's airplane seat and asks, "Now a question of etiquette; as I pass, do I give you the ass or the crotch...?"It's kind of like that every day in here.

Baby B grants a rare interview, seen here in 4D

 Baby C: Well, except for Baby A. She's down there in the basement. She got busted trying to get out a couple weeks back and got pushed back in. She's still at the front of the line like it's Black Friday at Wal-Mart, waiting in the parking lot half a year before November.

Interviewer:
What's it like floating in that amniotic sac, weightless?

Baby C: I'll take this one. I wouldn't exactly call it weightless, we're almost a pound each in here. It is kind of fun though when the nurses come. We know when they're going to try to Dopple us so we play a little hide and go seek. As soon as they've got one heartbeat I switch places with B.

Baby C takes her thumb out of her mouth long enough to talk to us.

 Baby B:  Well, Baby A's always hanging down there. We've sent invites to play but, nothing...they say triplets have two of us that hang together and kind of ostracize the other one. Well, we're not doing it on purpose. I think it's the other way around. We got a bona fide loner down there. It's ok, she'll come out of her shell...

Baby C: Nice Maryland joke, come out of her shell, Terps, good one. Did you hear they beat Duke yesterday in that lacrosse semi-final. Got UVA coming up Monday.

Baby B: I'll put that in my Outlook. 2:30?

Baby C: 1:30 Central.

Interviewer: What's the food like in there?

Baby C: It's pretty good when people visit. I think that's when we get the 'non-hospital food'. Still feel like we get a cheese stick, yogurt or ensure every snack. It's just having enough room to sit down and eat. I think I'm moving up past those ribs this week. I saw a spot that seems to be nice. I'm growing like a tree and I heard we're getting steroid shots in less than two weeks so I want room to grow.

Baby C shows her Farrell's inspired elbow into the ribs technique.

Baby B: Yeah, I can't complain about the food. We've been getting a lot of it. Well, except when Baby A tried to escape, we were on lock down and didn't see food for like 2 or 3 days, just water and this nasty Mag Sulfate stuff. I was loopy, my heart rate was down, ugh. If A tries that again we're going to tackle her. I still got 3 1/2 months on my lease here and I'm not paying to break it early.

Do you hear things from the outside?

Baby C: Sure. Just gotta put my ear to the belly. I keep hearing something about "I can't believe they don't have Bravo or the E! Network." Other than that, it's been Dexter, Weeds and a bunch of other shows they'll never let us watch until we're like 18.

Baby B: Yeah, that Dexter is kind of creepy. S'Alright, daddy came by to lay next to us after the first couple episodes and if we get scared we just kind of curl into a ball.

Baby C: Alright, we better hit the sack. I've got some good kicks I want to get in after our next Crab Rangoon feeding. It's like we're Pavlov's babies in here, gotta give mom the positive reinforcement when we get the good food...

Baby B: ...and kind of keep still when we don't. No more muscle milk, ugh!

Baby C, with Daddy's head, lies in repose for the next meal.